Rei Don't Drink
by aj23701
Summary: Rei didn't get drunk. It was a fact. She lived her life poised and elegant, alert and graceful. Drukenness would rob her of her most prized qualities and leave her at the mercy of a cold, hard toilet soon after. However, she was curious.


Rei didn't get drunk. It was a fact. She lived her life poised and elegant, alert and graceful. Drukenness would rob her of her most prized qualities and leave her at the mercy of a cold, hard toilet soon after.

However, a hangover is not the only thing that keeps Rei from indulging in a few drinks now and again. Her boyfriend is another reason Rei does not touch alchol. He has a tendency to tease; a quality she desperately wishes he would rid himself of. She has never handled teasing well, and although he knows this, he cannot change who he is. No matter, she loves him the way he is, anyway.

She could just as easily blame her best blond friends, Mina and Usagi, saying that someone has to be watchful at all times, but she would be lying. She wants to know what it feels like to be inebriated. To be able to get away with stupid things and laugh about them later. She wants to try drinking.

If she didn't have to worry about merciless teasing in the form of a blond, she would have drank with her boyfriend by now. He teased her lightly about hangovers, saying that they wouldn't kill her, she would only wish they would. He compared them to being hang-drawn and quartered; torture in its cruelest form: endless.

He told her that everything hurts. Blinking, talking, thinking, smiling, living, moving, listening, light, noise, your stomach, your head, and anything you hit while trying to get to bed. When she asked him why he continued to drink when the after effects were so very drastic, he smiled and said, "Because the world looks different when you're drunk." When she demanded to know how, she recieved only a knowing smile that said, "If you really want to know, you'll have to find out on your own." A lot of help he was not.

She asked her duet of blond friends as well (why she asked them both at the same time she'll never know), but she only recieved a more bubbly version of the same story her boyfriend had given her, as well as the same knowing look.

She asked her smartest friend (the only person she knew who wouldn't tease her), but asking her was like asking a textbook; she learned more from the three blonds. Sadly, this was almost a giving up point for her.

Of course, there was always the option of trying drinking, but she was still entirely too reserved for such a thing as drunkeness, despite her curiosity towards it. She went to the couple she knew drank on a regular basis, so much that they hardly knew what it was to be drunk, but they told her nothing at all. Well, not nothing at all; they told her to drink. They, being as kind as they are, even offered her something to try that would definately leave a lightweight like her completely inebriated. She politely declined the offer.

She was, however, running out of options. She had yet to find out what being drunk felt like, nor why her friends indulged in the act so very often. Asking Kunzite would be like asking herself. Although he drank, he had so much blood (for he was such a very large man) that it took insufferable amounts of alchol to intoxicate him. He liked his control as much as Rei did, so he never did indulge himself to that point. Ever.

She would ask Mamoru, but they had never really been on good terms. True, she was best friends with his fiancee, and true, they didn't really NOT get along, they just didn't have random conversations. Especially not about things of this nature. This was entirely too intimate a matter to discuss with an ex who will be marrying you best friend in... Well, who knows when they will marry? It doesn't matter, anyway. She has more important matters to deal with right now.

The only person left was Zeek. She and Zeek had never been particularly close, but they weren't enemies either. They had a rather rocky start when they first met, but now they talked on a regular basis, and there was a level of mutual respect between them. She respected his intelligence, he respected her sixth sense (and the fact that she could and would rip him limb from limb before he could register that she had moved). He gets drunk often enough to have his own page on youtube dedicated to his ignorant drunken acts. Although he was smart, he knew Rei well enough to know that a simple textbook answer would not be enough to satisfy her lack of knowledge.

She looked at the cup apprehensively; it was not wise to trust Zeek when he was trying to teach someone. He had given her a colorless, scentless liquid. A small amount in a cup, and asked her to taste it. It looked no different from water, but why would he ask her to taste water? It had to be something else.

Since Rei was in no way familiar with alcholic beverages, she had no idea what the liquid in front of her could possibly be. 'Gin, maybe,' she thinks to herself. 'After all this time with James I should be able to tell any alcholic beverage put in front of me.' She probably would have thought more about it if she didn't notice the rope in Zeek's hand. No, it's not at all wise to trust Zeek. At all. Ever.

He at least gives her a proposition, a rude one, but at least she had options. Option one, down the drink in front of her, option two, have him wrestle her to the ground, hogtie her, and force her to drink it or choke.

She chose the first option. Although she could probably snap Zeek in half with two of her fingers and no effort, she didn't want to have to deal with an angry Ami afterwards. 'That's probably the only reason he's still here,' she muses. 'He talks entirely too much shit but everyone knows Ami has a horrible anger problem when Zeek is concerned.'

Rei eyes the drink for a few more moments, as though she were waiting for it to eat her alive, and when nothing happened (except for the slight motion of Zeek's rope), she grabbed the glass and downed its contents with only a little more hesitation. As she brought the glass back down from her lips to the table, she noticed that Zeek was pouring another glass for her. As much as she wanted to reconsider getting drunk, the strange water-like substance he was giving her tasted pretty good. And it didn't burn at all like James had said it would. It must have been a very expensive brand, or something.

The other glass, he was filling with a different color liquid. It also had ice and sugar in it. Or at least she thought it was sugar. Well, at least she could say with certainty that this drink was pink. It looked like liquid cotton candy, and when she tasted it, she found that it tasted more like bubble gum. It was wonderful.

By this time she had started to wonder how many different drinks Z could make, and she was sure that she wanted to try each and every one of them. So she asked if she could. He let her.

The next thing she had was a baby blue concoction with a tiny umbrella that tasted like blueberry, then another clear one that tasted like watermelon, followed by a yellow one that looked like Big Bird in the sunshine. Big Bird looks a lot like sunshine. Sunshine looks like Big Bird. Big and bright and yellow. She thinks to herself, 'I wonder what big bright yellow sunshine tastes like.' She sips tentatively; tastes a lot like... drunk James. 'Huh, I would have thought big, bright, yellow sunshine would taste more like happiness,' she reasons with herself. 'This must be what Big Bird tastes like because drunk Jay is never happy Jay and since sunshine is happiness, drunk Jay can't taste like sunshine! Ha!' She smiled to herself, feeling proud that she had just figured out the secret connection between sunshine, Big Bird, and her boyfriend.

She was sure she had more colorful drinks after the not-so-happy one, but she couldn't remember anything about them. 'I think I had a red one, and one with a cherry in it, but what did they taste like?' After a while they had all began to taste and look the same. Or was she drunk?

She certaintly didn't feel drunk, if her friends were to be trusted; the world wasn't spinning, she could walk perfectly upright, and she had no trouble thinking. 'Ok, the Big Bird-James connection was a little off-the-wall, but other than that...' She felt as though she had had no alchol at all.

When she told this to Zeek, he looked at her strangely. 'Did she really think I was giving her alcohol the entire time she's been over here? I didn't want her to die from binging, I only gave her a few with alchol.' When he shared his thoughts with her, she asked him which ones had alcohol in them. Apparently, it was the Big Bird yellow one, the baby blue one, and the first one he had given her. 'I must be at least a little tipsy then. Either he's lying, or there's something wrong with me.'

He gave her one last drink, or at least, she can only remember him giving her one more, and that was all it took to render her drunk. A little white wine, over three generations old, straight from the vineyards in Italy. Rei wasn't sure when the world started spinning faster, but all she knew was that when it did, she wasn't ready. Rei finished her drink, and fell off the stool she was sitting in, to the floor, right on her ass. She stayed in that position (sitting on her ass on the floor, glass raised to her head, feet in the air resting on the stool she fell from) long enough for Zeek to procure a few pictures of her.

When the pain in her ass finally registered in her brain, she let out a whimper, then a small whine, and eventually a full-out yell that would have put team Minako-Usagi to shame. 'Who would have thought Rei had such a screech? Well, I suppose James would,' Zeek thinks as he walks toward his camera to make sure that it is still recording. 'This is going to be wonderful,' he thinks mirthfully.

When James calls Zeek later to ask if he's seen Rei, he responds with no small amount of joy. He wishes he could see the expression on Jed's face when he hears that not only has Zeek seen Rei, he's with Rei. Drunk Rei.

James, being James, calls everyone Rei, Zeek, and he mutually know, telling them to get to Zeek's flat as soon as possible. It only takes two words to get almost all of them there. "Drunk Rei."

When he gets to Zeek's house, he notices he is the first to arrive. The door is open, and when he walks in, he sees Rei sitting on Zeek's lap talking animatedly about his and Zeek's connection with the drink and sunshine. His hands ball into fists unconciously. He wonders if the drop in temperature was his imagiantion, but soon notices the seething angry blunette standing next to him. Since Ami was the only person James could not contact (other than the notoriously busy-bees Mamoru and Kunzite), she had no idea that Rei was no more in control of the situation than they were standing at the door. James grabs Ami before she can make any move to kill his girlfriend, and soon finds his hands frozen to her form. Drunk Rei has stopped talking, and upon seeing her loving boyfriend, tears across the room to reach him. Or at least, that's what James thinks she tried to do.

What she actually did was turn toward the door, reach out her arms, jump up and fall forward in an undignified heap on the floor. Adding insult to injury was the fact that her rear was stuck up in the air, and Zeek was staring at it. Had James imagined the drop in temperature before, it would be impossible for him to do so now. He was scared that if he took too long to blink his eyelashes would freeze together. He called Zeek. Zeek, if he heard him, did not respond. He called again; again no response. 'Is Zeek not aware that I will tear him limb from limb? He's staring at my girlfriend's ass and she just left his lap! I'm going to kill that mother...' The petite woman whose arms were frozen into his hands called quietly out to Zeek. She was so quiet, in fact, that James almost missed it from where he stood.

Until Ami spoke his name, Zeek had not noticed that there were two people standing in his doorway. He also had not noticed that he was staring at the most beautiful ass he had ever seen, in the face of his girlfriend. The fact that the boyfriend of the drunk girl in doggy position on the floor with her ass toward him didn't matter much because the scariest person in the room was drunk, and the second was glaring glaciers into his eyes.

Zeek had seen Ami angry many times. She had been angry with him when she came home and he had not cleaned his mess in time. She was angry when he got drunk and groped her in public. She became angry any time he looked too long and too hard at another woman. He had never seen her infuriated.

Her eyes were cold, her body frozen completely. Her five feet seemed imposing, even with the eight inches he had over her in height. The air around her almost seemed to be... snowing? He knew she became colder when she was upset, but she could lower the temperature enough for it to snow inside? 'You learn something new every day,' he thought, and it was his last thought before Ami moved in his direction.

Nephrite and Mako chose this moment to arrive. Nephrite bellowed in greeting, and recoiled upon seeing the animosity in Ami's eyes turned towards him. He knew from experience that the wrath of Ami is nothing to be played with. While she didn't have strength to rival that of his wife, she was deceptively strong. Strong enough to leave him prone with only one strong punch. He was scared for someone in the room.

Makoto, however, was close enough with Ami to know that she was safe. She was also close enough to know that it was entirely too cold for Ami to be anything resembling happy or mirthful as she should. After all, there was Drunk Rei in the room. Everyone should be laughing. Should be...

Mako turned to Ami immediately and asked her if she knew. At the strange look she recieved, she elaborated. The temperature in the room seemed to return to normal (enough so James could regain the use of his hands) once Ami was informed that Rei was quite literally, drunk off her ass.

The woman in question was still worshipping the carpet, but at the mention of her name bounced up in a such a way that would have made Usagi proud. She was immediately in the arms of James, who had unofficially recieved the nick name "Big Bird" in Drunk Rei's mind. She cooed at him as though she was speaking to the bird he had become, and at that moment, the twin blonds entered the room. 'More sunshine!' Rei's mind was on overload. 'There is entirely too much sun in this room! It's nighttime! And there can only be one Big Bird!' Too inebriated for proper speech, and too flustered to make improper speech, she started pushing people around, trying to make sense of all the sunshine.

James ended up where Zeek had been, Zeek ended up in a corner with Ami (Rei had no part, well, a very small part in that), Usagi ended up in the kitchen, Makoto and Neph were placed on opposite sides of James, and Minako ended up outside. For a while she stood there gaping at the door, but she composed herself and knocked lightly. Drunk Rei answered the door and stared, glassy-eyed, at her expectantly. Minako quietly asked why she was put outside, with all the patience she would have with a small child. Rei replied much like a small child would: there was too much sunshine in the room, and since there was one Big Bird and two suns, one of them had to go. Minako was the one who had to go. Door slam.

Minako was just about to start shouting when Ami appeared and allowed Mina back into the flat. Minako probably would have stormed up to Rei and started fussing, had Drunk Rei not been hanging off of Zeek's neck like a necklace. Z looked more than a little uncomfortable, but Ami had calmed down considerably since she first arrived. 'I wonder what she said to Z...' Minako pondered it for a while, until Zeek yelped and jumped away from Drunk Rei. This resulted in a drunken chase around the room, and Drunk Rei was catching up with sober Zeek. T'was a shame, really.

Zeek ran into the seemingly safe refuge of his girlfriend's arms, but Ami, being still upset with him and highly amused by the antics of Drunk Rei, held him until Rei was close enough to grab and grope him again. She grabbed him around his waist and pulled him from Ami to herself. Much to the dismay of James, she held his head against her chest and started stroking his hair. After a moment Zeek realized that struggling against the second strongest senshi was not a wise idea, and since she was not in her most coherent state at the moment, she didn't notice that she was denying him air that he needed to survive. All she knew was that she had caught sunshine and she was never going to let it go. Ever. She would hold the precious sunshine until she had absorbed it all inside of her.

Usagi, who was eating Zeek's ice cream out of the container in the kitchen, was the first to ask the question on everyone's minds, "What in the hell did you give her, Zeek? I hope you don't have my prophetic senshi doing any sort of strange hippie drugs because if you do I swear to Kami I will send you to the moon!"

James picked up where she left off, "Yeah! And if this is some strange ploy to take Rei away from me so you can have freak-nasty sex with her and Ami, you better think again! I already asked her about that and she said no way in hell would she three-way with another woman!" At the strange looks he recieved, he added, "I mean, there's no way she would leave my king cock for yours, Z!" At that, Zeek stopped struggling. From his place in Rei's chest, he grinned wickedly. He shifted his head slightly, and bit her right breast lightly. Upon hearing her soft moan, James jumped up, snatched Zeek from Rei's arms (leaving some of his hair in her hands) and punched him dead in the face.

Drunk Rei, throughly upset by her sudden lack of sunshine, began whining. Loudly.

* * *

A/N There may be more to this later, but I'm not sure. Let me know what you think.


End file.
